Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "Small Time Crux" It would appear that the WB has a hit on its hands with its "Clark Kent gets his pubes" serial, Smallville. Debut Nielsen ratings gave the show a 16 share, which equals Pi(r)² of televisions on at the time, or 8.6 billion people per share point, meaning that the entire civilized world saw it 32 times. I think. Maybe you're supposed to divide by r. Regardless, the Superman mythos has once again proven to be an inexhaustible mine of material for Warner, who can now add "teen angst" to the list of styles through which the same story has been filtered. At first, they were relatively complicit to produce shows faithful to the original source material, but as time wore on, it became apparent that audiences tired rather quickly of "man in ill-fitting tights punches the Bad White Guy of the week." (Plus, the lead shot himself.) And so, we got Superman As Gimpy Moonlighting Rip-off, Superman As Crap Sci-Fi Richard Pryor Vehicle, Superman As Thinly Veiled Left-Wing Nuclear Proliferation Propaganda, and my personal favorite, Superman As Transsexual Gay Camp. Of course, every permutation has to have one version or another of the mythos's mainstays, Clark's ever-present, never-changing supporting cast, including the spunky-yet-selectively-ignorant love interest, the goofy sidekick, the take-no-guff father figure, the sinister archnemesis, the kitchsy guest star from previous screen permutations of Superman, and the inevitable token minority, representing Superman's libertarian ideology of objectivism and self-determination whereby the white messiah is given powers and abilities that are more than capable of overthrowing oppressive regimes and striking blows for equality, but instead focuses on dopey minions of the current fascist Caucasian-derived power structure and battles over shiny rocks. God forbid that we should ever see, say, Superman actually pining for a girl without matching initials. No, that would be sacrilegious, and, you know, actually creative. Which means that a spin-off is inevitable, and I think I can spare you the suspense. At mid-season, keep your eyes peeled for: GOTHAM HIGH (TV-14) Angsty young Bruce Wayne, played by a sassy yet rugged teen newcomer, enrolls in public school after developing a crush on young Vicki Vale, photographer for the Gotham High yearbook, The Signal. At the school, he befriends nerdy hall monitor Jimmy Gordon and plucky freshman gymnast Dickie Grayson, but is hounded by Jack Napier, mascot for the Gotham High Knights, and Jack's girlfriend Selina. Guest starring Waylon Jennings as Alfred the Butler. Why stop there? Why not mine the rest of the DC universe for raw materials? EMERALD BOYS MYSTERIES (TV-PG) Captain of the school archery team, Oliver Queen, played by a sassy yet rugged and somehow slightly effeminate teen newcomer, is forced to team up with snotty rich kid, Hal "Rings" Jordan, played by a different rugged yet sassy teen newcomer, to break up the drug trade in their homey little burg. Featuring Freddie Prinze, Jr., as "Speedy," the hip local dealer with a heart of gold. WONDERLAND (AKA 9021 Oh, Hera!) (TV-PG) When teenage Diana finds herself in a heap of trouble, her mother, Hippolyta, played by the sassy yet strangely alluring Burt Lancaster, ships her off to an exclusive private boarding school in the Man's World, where she falls madly in love with basketball star and all-around swell guy, Steve Trevor, played by the sassy yet dim Jonathan Taylor Thomas. MARTIAN IN THE MIDDLE (TV-14) On the run from White Martians and the government, J'onn J'onzz, played by a sassy yet morbid pre-teen newcomer, takes refuge with the wacky Jones family, posing as their long-lost middle child, Guano. Trouble ensues when he accidentally incinerates a local bully, played by the sassy veteran child star Haley Joel Osment, and gets grounded through puberty. Yawn. Same old same old again. I mean, why not get really daring with the retreads? Everyone knows Superman is a thinly veiled Christ metaphor. Why not give Clark a God Complex and rework Smallville as a religious epic? He could renounce Bo Duke and hole himself up in his Compound of Solitude with a bunch of hippie chick sex slaves. Then let Lex Luthor go apeshit trying to topple the delusional Kent boy from his pedestal? Now that would be TV. Next, retell Batman as a metaphor for pederasty. Young Batman preying on NAMBLA conventions across the country. And make Wonder Woman a militant feminist (well, more of one anyway), give her a butch haircut and baggy military fatigues. Turn the Legion of Superheroes into Young Republicans. It's either that, or The Watchbabies. Who changes the Watchbabies? Patrick Keller, that's who. He could use some Handi-Wipes. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board. Thanks go out to Gus Dahlberg and James Lucas Jones for their help on this column.