Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "Comic-book Advice Guy: Breaking the News" Dear Advice Guy, I think I may have finally met Ms. Right, you know the one who finally said "okay." She's smart, funny and darn cute, and suffers from some sort of unfortunate optic nerve disorder. But that's okay. We've gone on a few dates, and everything seems to be going fairly well. She laughs at my extensive collection of novelty T-shirts, and doesn't seem to mind the way I eat. Finally, a woman who appreciates my chiseled good looks and finely sculpted pecs. However, I know that sooner or later, our relationship will have to move to that "next level." I can feel the tension in our conversations, and I don't know how much longer I can ignore the inevitable. Unfortunately, I have little experience in such matters. So my question for you is this: when is the right time to tell your girlfriend about your comic book habit? Signed, Ronald MacLearson Dear "Ronald," You came to the right place. Girls are skittish, mysterious creatures who can sense danger like gazelles. They will jet at the first sign of trouble, unless you have your hooks in first. So it's always a good idea to get some incriminating photographs of her as early in the relationship as possible. If your girlfriend somehow finds the negatives or manages to avoid illegal activities while you have a camera handy, stay calm. No need to go back to downloading Seven of Nine jpegs just yet. There's always the patented, time-tested method I'll detail for you. The key to everything is timing. Catch her unaware and you're liable to get maced, or worse, end up a cautionary tale she tells her friends. Before you know it, your name has spread through the secret global underground women's network, and not even an assumed name and plastic surgery can save you now. Now, as with any new venture, it's a good idea to feel your girlfriend out (that's out, not up) for opinions on the matter. Perhaps she has a cousin who reads comics, or she once experimented with comics in college. Chances are, she's seen at least one in her life. Be prepared to counter any negative statements with tentative counterexamples. Say she once received a nasty paper cut. Educate her on the new softer grades of paper currently being used in today's printing industry. Or perhaps she's illiterate and words frighten and confuse her. You have to be prepared for anything. Still with me? Good. Now it's time for the first contact. First, if at all possible, get her drunk. (Now might be a good time to bring your camera, too. Polaroids of her passed out with a copy of Witchblade could prove handy later.) Your best bet is to "accidentally" leave a comic out in the open where you know she will see it. I should stress this, though: no mylar bags. Buy an extra copy if need be, but packaging of any sort might temper her curiosity. You might even leave it open to a splash page so as to beckon her, "Coooooome, looooook at meeeee!" There are two schools of thought on exactly what kind of book to leave for her to stumble across. The first says that it should be something familiar, like Hulk or Wonder Woman. The other school says it should be something mature and different, so as to suggest the evolution of content since she was eight (and let's just assume she's not still that age, okay?). Both are dead wrong. The comic you should leave out is Captain Aero Comics vol. 4 #26 (August 1946). Sorry, no substitutes. Once she has comic firmly in hand, step up and snatch it from her hands. Tell her that your friend Tom brought Captain Aero over and must have forgotten to take it with him when he left. When she asks who Tom is, vehemently deny saying anything of the sort. If she presses the matter, begin crying and pass out. This will pique her curiosity, opening the door for further comics experiences, as well as allow you to gauge her reaction to an actual comic book in her vicinity. Now begin to ease the subject into normal conversation. The key is to be casual. At the video store, suggest Superman II because you "never got to see it, and Gene Hackman makes me hot." Then start crying and pass out. Keep going. At the grocery store, thumb through some comics at the checkout line and make jokes like "Gee, Batman sure seems to enjoy the company of other men a lot." Ask her if that turns her on. This will link comics with sexual attraction in her mind, and further create interest in her subconscious. After a few weeks, she should be prepared for that Wednesday evening when you come in with a bag of your own comics, fresh from the racks. Be sly. Tell her that some of your friends were at a comic shop, and you decided to pick up some of your own. If she asks you which friends, ask her why she always has to be so nosy. It's none of her business. If she says, "It was that Tom, wasn't it?" deny her accusations and storm out of the room. She will undoubtedly follow you into the other room and continue to press you for details on Tom. Give her nothing. Ask her if she's been drinking. She has been, hasn't she? You knew it! You hate it when she drinks! Why does she have to act this way every time you want to go out with some friends? Can't she see that you love her so much it hurts? At this point, she will get all mushy, and you can suggest that you both retire to the bedroom to cuddle and "maybe read comics a little." Then fake a seizure, and when the EMT comes, call him "Mommy." Next week: How eBay can help you cover unexpected medical expenses! Meeting that perfect Canadian girlfriend! And sexy makeovers! Patrick Keller has a surplus of Captain Aero Comics vol.4 #26 for sale. Prior to this, he wrote columns for a bunch of websites like Savant and Psycomic. Rumors of his demise are mildly exaggerated. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board.