The following is a one-act play of sorts, written by self-described fanboy Jeff Lester and originally published in the newsletter of the excellent Comix Experience shop in San Francisco. Ed Brubaker pointed it out to us, we loved it, and we asked Jeff if we could run it here. The Fish Story A One-Act Play Dramatis Personae: Brian Hibbs: Proprietor, Comix Experience Larry Young: Minister of Propaganda, Comix Experience Jeff Lester: Fanboy, About to Rampage The Aquaman/Aqualad Two-Pack: Currently available from Comix Experience. PROLOGUE The set is dark. Suddenly a bright light illuminates Brian, who makes his way to the lip of the stage, and addresses the audience. BRIAN Good evening. And welcome to this evening's performance of Fanboy Rampage. Before the show starts, the producers and I thought it important that we briefly touch on some of the issues covered tonight so that you, the audience, will not be made unduly uncomfortable. First and foremost, I think it's important to point out that Comix Experience is a San Francisco based comic store, and that Jeff, Larry and I are long-time residents. We are all reasonably progressive citizens, no matter how misanthropic, and we are all, I would say, comfortable not only with our own sexuality but with the sexuality of others. The following arguments concerning gayness and homosexuality should not be inferred in any way as being homophobic, gay-bashing, gay-baiting, or hatefilled; they are merely the bored jabber of comic store clerks who will spend hours arguing about anything, be it how many stripes on Captain America's torso, or who was hotter, Kirstie Alley as Saavik or Persis Khambatta as Lieutenant Ilia. And so I can really and truly say that it doesn't matter to any of us if Aquaman is gay or straight; what really matters is who's *right* about Aquaman being gay or straight. We would like this to be clear in advance, because not only do we not wish to offend or hurt anyone, we also do not want to have to take later career-salvaging steps such as a televised duet with Elton John. (Pause) Not because we're uncomfortable with Elton John or his sexuality, y'unnerstand, but merely because the man hasn't recorded a decent song in over a quarter of a century. So, now, without further ado, tonight's performance of Fanboy Rampage. Thank you, and we hope you enjoy the show. Brian exits. ACT I, SCENE I As the lights rise, we see Larry, Brian and Jeff all standing behind the counter of CE. Brian and Jeff are bagging back issues. There are several colored beer bottles at various locations around the counter; in fact, as the lights come up full, Larry finishes off the last beer with one powerful head-tilting flourish. LARRY Ahhh… He bangs the empty bottle down on the edge of the counter. LARRY Welp, that's the last beer! Time for me to get on my scooter and drive in heavy traffic. JEFF Awww, dude, don't go. We want to hear about how you beat Steve Englehart in a game of Five Card Fizzbin. Larry grabs his helmet and turns to go. LARRY Sorry, dude. I've got a whole issue to finish up by this weekend. He looks up fleetingly at the shelf of toys hanging over the sub bin and smiles. LARRY You know, it's a shame about that Aquaman two-pack. I would've bought if he and Aqualad hadn't looked so gay. JEFF That's the best thing about it! I mean, Aquaman is the gayest superhero ever. Larry reacts as if poleaxed. LARRY What? JEFF Well, it's true, if you think about it. LARRY Aquaman is not gay! BRIAN Actually, the gayest superhero ever is the Gay Ghost. JEFF Really? BRIAN Yes. His name says so. JEFF That's a real superhero? BRIAN Yes. The Gay Ghost. (Pause) From the '50s. JEFF What was his power? BRIAN I….. don't….. know? Exactly? He was the ghost of a 16th century pirate, or something. JEFF Who fought crime. BRIAN Apparently. LARRY Aquaman is not gay! JEFF Aquaman is totally gay! And that's what's cool about him. LARRY No, it's not, because he's not gay. BRIAN (pointing to the Cosmic Boy action figure) You know who's gay? Cosmic Boy. JEFF Cosmic Boy? Why? BRIAN Because he wears pink. LARRY You are both high on crack! I have to get out of here. Larry moves toward the front door. JEFF I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it… LARRY (wailing) HE'S NOT GAY! Larry exits quickly, covering his eyes. Pause. For a minute or two, Jeff and Brian silently bag back issues. BRIAN Aquaman's not gay. JEFF He's sooo gay. BRIAN He was married. To a redhead. JEFF It was a sham! She's a mermaid. She was Aquaman's "beard." BRIAN No, she wasn't! They had a kid! JEFF Also a beard. Aquaman wasn't the real father. BRIAN Oh, and then who was? Pause. JEFF Aqualad. BRIAN Oh, I see. So Aquaman's gay, but Aqualad's not? JEFF Aqualad was all over the place. He's mainly straight, but he had that "mentor" thing going on with Aquaman. You know, classical Greek thing. Which makes sense, you know, because it's Atlantis and all. BRIAN Huh. Neither of them say anything else and continue bagging comics. Fade to Black. ACT I, SCENE II Lights come up as Jeff and Brian are putting the last of the bagged back issues into a longbox. Jeff looks around the empty store. JEFF Quiet day. BRIAN Yup. Pause. JEFF Now. Cosmic Boy is gay--- BRIAN Cosmic Boy is gay--- JEFF But not because his uniform is pink. BRIAN Oh, I see. Then why, exactly? JEFF Cosmic Boy is gay because he's in the Legion of Superheroes. BRIAN So? JEFF And they're all gay. BRIAN All of them? JEFF Yes. BRIAN The Legion of Superheroes. JEFF Yes. BRIAN All gay. JEFF Yes. (Beat.) Except Bouncing Boy. He's straight. BRIAN Yes, Bouncing Boy is straight, definitely. (Beat.) He's doing Triplicate Lass. Obviously, the man is not only straight, he's a genius. JEFF Oh, yeah. I was going to say he was straight because he was the only one who let his figure go. BRIAN Lightning Lad isn't gay. JEFF Yes, he is. BRIAN No, he isn't. He's married! To Saturn Girl. Or is she his "beard?" JEFF No. (Pause.) She's a man. BRIAN What?!? JEFF Yes, a drag queen. Saturn Girl is a drag queen. If you think about it, it's the only way her characterization through the years makes sense. She's a drag queen; she and Lightning Lad are gay. BRIAN Okay, even if I grant your insane theory the slightest credence, that doesn't mean the rest of the Legion, all 70 some-odd members, are gay. JEFF No, they're all gay. Except for Bouncing Boy. And Ferro Lad. BRIAN Ferro Lad was definitely straight. JEFF Oh, yeah. BRIAN And Chameleon Boy is gay. JEFF Without a doubt, without a doubt. And so is Mon-El. BRIAN What? Oh, no way! JEFF Yes! BRIAN Absolutely not. Impossible! JEFF Oh, come on! Mon-El has a completely unhealthy fixation on Superboy; he tried to dress like him, he tried to act like him! It's the "Single White Female" of superhero relationships. BRIAN You're insane! JEFF There's Lana Lang in bed, with a guy's head between her legs. She has this huge orgasm, looks down… and there's Mon-El grinning up at her! BRIAN You... need... help. JEFF What? It's just obvious, I tell you. Isn't it? Isn't it? Fade to Black. ACT I, SCENE III Lights fade up on Brian putting the closed sign on the door. Jeff sighs, and stretches. JEFF Man, where'd all the people come from? BRIAN I know. JEFF It was just like wave after wave after wave.... Jeff gathers his stuff. Grabs the Aquaman/Aqualad two-pack and looks at it speculatively. BRIAN Going to get it? JEFF I mightttt.... BRIAN Even though they're gay? JEFF I already said that's the best thing about it. BRIAN I'm kidding. JEFF (looking at the back of the box) I'm not! Look! It comes with a giant seahorse that Aquaman can ride! And, let's see, Aqualad, he, uh… He peers more closely. BRIAN Yup. JEFF Oh dear lord! BRIAN I know. JEFF Aqualad is apparently riding the crest of his own nocturnal emission. Or something. BRIAN Uh-huh. JEFF Wow. And you said they weren't gay. BRIAN I didn't say the toys weren't gay. I said Aquaman and Aqualad aren't gay. JEFF But they are! BRIAN No, there's just simply no proof, in any comic, in any story, anywhere. Neither they, nor the dozens upon dozens of the members of the Legion of Superheroes, are gay. Well, except for Element Lad. But anyway,whatever complex issues about sexuality you have, they're your own. JEFF My issues? I don't have issues, much less complex ones! I'm just stating what's obvious, is all. (pause.) Look, Aquaman and Aqualad, the Legion of Superheroes, they were created back in an earlier age, a simpler age, for superhero comics. BRIAN Uh-huh. Go on. JEFF They weren't really designed to be read by adults. They probably weren't even designed to be read by teens. They were meant to be read mainly by kids, by young kids. BRIAN Uh-huh. JEFF And young kids, depending on how you look at it, are asexual, or, in an odd sexless way, bisexual. Freud talks about the polyphomous perverse stage, where the child has yet to figure which parental figure to emulate and is in an intermediary stage, where both possibilities exist latently. BRIAN Hmmm. JEFF Remember in the movie Crumb where R. Crumb talks about, at the age of five or so, having a strange crush on Bugs Bunny? Kids grow up in a world where they can't separate preference from attraction. And so you have things that little kids just like because they like. And Aquaman was, first and foremost, a superhero for little kids. (Pause) Look at Aquaman! He never did anything! He had to get fish to do stuff for him! I mean, how lame is that? All Aquaman ever did was call for fish and look pretty. That's it! But Aquaman did fine as far as popularity goes. Kids weren't picking up the book because of the compelling stories, that's for sure. Because as long as Aquaman was pretty enough and non-threatening enough, it didn't matter. BRIAN Hmmm. JEFF Aquaman was the Backstreet Boys of his day! (Pause) And look at the Legion. They were this club that formed because they all admired Superboy. Three guys and a girl and this heavy, heavy emphasis on childhood; they're all called Boy, or Lad, Girl, Lass. The Legion aren't an idealized heroic version of adults; they're kids who have a weird fixation on another kid. Happens all the time on the schoolyard. BRIAN Okay, so why does that make them gay? JEFF It doesn't! But as the readers of comics got older and older, and as the creators became fans, steps were slowly taken to make the characters less childlike. They had crushes, they got into relationships, they became boyfriends and girlfriends, then husbands and wives. But for me, that's just taking Captain Kirk and splitting him in two, you know? To take one half of the implicit possibility of the characters and making it explicit denies the other half. But you're a long, long way from where the character started, and you're not using the character's strengths anymore. I'm no huge expert on the Legion, but it seems to me almost all of the early stories get their power from acceptance and rejection. Who's going to be accepted by the Legion? Who's going to be kicked out of the Legion? And ultimately, the Legion is about inclusion. It's about being accepted for who you are, no matter what you are, about community. And that's a very gay thing. That's what the whole queer movement is all about. Acceptance. Once it becomes "As the 30th Century Turns," you're getting away from that weird sexual-asexual power that can draw new readers in. As for Aquaman, sure, give him a wife and a kid. Then, when he still seems too wimpy, give him long hair and a beard; give him a symbolic castration and make him all angry and proactive; I guess you'll keep your adult readers…kinda. But comics are a visual medium, and sometimes a character's strength isn't in what he does or how he acts, but what he looks like, what he projects. When you have a character who talks to fish, his vibe is communication. And communication is a peaceful act. It's wimpy. It's, well, it's gay, at least as far as a culture of masculine aggression is concerned. Pause. BRIAN So you calling them gay is to compensate…. JEFF For making straight characters out of characters that shouldn't be sexual at all. Pause. BRIAN And because you had some weird childhood crush on Aquaman. JEFF No! (Pause.) Well, maybe. I mean, I must have been cutting his picture out of comic books for some reason. BRIAN A-ha! JEFF Yes, okay, a-ha, great. But I was very young. BRIAN Sure, sure. JEFF Not that there's anything wrong with it. BRIAN Of course not, no. Pause. BRIAN So, you going to buy the two-pack? JEFF You're never going to let me hear the end of this, are you? BRIAN That depends. JEFF On what? BRIAN On if you buy the two-pack. JEFF If I buy the two-pack, I will hear the end of this, or I won't hear the end of this? BRIAN There's only one way for you to find out. Jeff holds the two-pack in his hands, thinking. The lights dim. FIN Jeff Lester works at Comix Experience in San Francisco. Larry Young and Brian Hibbs used with permission. More Fanboy Rampage and other neat stuff can be found at Comix Experience.com.