Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "More Than Meets the Eye, Part the Second" Click HERE if you missed Part One. Previously, on Behind the 'Toon... At 17, Optimus Prime's boogie nights came to a crashing halt -- literally, in the form of a 33-car pileup that would leave his friend Charles "Chip" Chase paralyzed and Prime with an appetite for destruction. By 1987, the cartoon idol was addicted to paint thinner and selling his body for spare change on street corners in Vancouver. Today he's "rolling out" again with the Autobots and back in touch with Chase. Behind the 'Toon witnesses their poignant reunion. Or something like that. Honestly, we're not really paying attention. With Optimus Prime pressuring producers to let him leave the show, as well as contractual obligations with Hasbro, the makers of the toy tie-ins, to introduce dozens of new characters to market to viewers, plans were made for a feature-length movie. The movie would allow producers to introduce a whole new cast of characters while giving Prime a proper death scene, or so they thought. Transformers producer Will "The Pill" Greeley reminisces... WILL GREELEY: What? We made a movie? A movie? Are you sure? I don't remember that at all. You lie. I hate you. In fact, no one associated with the film seems to remember being involved with it in any way shape or form. When presented with verifiable proof, in the form of a video tape cassette of the film, most claimed it was an elaborate forgery, a mass hallucination, or possibly a hoax constructed by the Muscular Dystrophy Association. OPTIMUS PRIME: How else could you explain a plot that revolves around a planet full of talking cars being attacked by a giant anus? Surprisingly, further investigation reveals that many of the credits in the film are suspect or highly questionable. According to records provided by his agent, the "Don Reedman" credited with the script was, at the time of the film's release, living in the chimp cages at the San Diego Zoo. Additionally, the film was supposedly directed by "Neil Milne," whom newspaper reports say died in 1872 as a result of "ass caencer." The "executive producers" are suspiciously close to a list of Nixon aides indicted over Watergate. Perhaps the film was actually an elaborate prank by Jerry's Kids, or perhaps, more likely, it simply turned out so wretchedly awful that no one associated with it will admit having anything to do with it. No one will say. WHEELJACK: I'm not sayin'. With the movie (and Optimus) out of the way, the show moved into its third year with a new cast, headed by "Rodimus Prime," portrayed by the formerly unknown Hot Rod. The stress of carrying an established show clearly put a strain on the fledgling actor. HOT ROD: It was, like, wow, man. I'd never really acted before, unless you count that one video. But that was only released in Asia, man. It was a trip. Totally. Clearly, after nearly 60 episodes in 30 months, the strain was getting to the writing staff as well. One episode, released close to Thanksgiving 1987, just in time for the start of the holiday shopping season, introduced a giant named "the Collector" who tried to accumulate all the Transformers, but, inexplicably, when he didn't get them all, his head exploded and all his friends hated him. Another episode was clearly plagiarized from an episode of The Cosby Show in which Cliff Huxtable forgets his anniversary and has to sleep on the couch. By the fourth season, producers were just cutting together random shows and giving the characters new names so they could sell them as new toys. GOLDBUG: Sure it was a cheap gimmick and it burned the faithful fans, but I signed a contract. Plus, I owed about three mil in back taxes, and I was dating Courtney Love... Producers brought Optimus Prime back to the show -- twice -- in two last-ditch attempts to reinvigorate the ailing franchise, but both times it was too late. By the fifth season, Transformers was the lowest-rated cartoon in syndication, lower than Telemundo's Las Nuevas Aventuras de Punky Brewster. When word of cancellation came down, no one was surprised. OPTIMUS PRIME: Well, I could always go back to transporting livestock, but what about that poor guy who transforms into a box? And so the Transformers went their separate ways. Some managed better than others. Many continued working the circuit in Europe and Japan, where their popularity never faded. Ultra Magnus headed up a "Transformers Family On Ice" tour that looked promising on paper, but wound up losing money when Brian Boitano was crushed during the first performance of "The Touch." Others, like Starscream and Hot Rod, descended into ethanol addiction. Even more disturbing, others were sold for parts, made into Battlebots, or worse... THRUST: I, uh, made some movies I'm not real proud of. I was told they'd only be seen in Asia. THE TRANSFORMER FORMERLY KNOWN AS BLASTER: I have converted to Robotology and given up my robot slave name. You may now address me as "111010010001110." IRONHIDE: They didn't even bother to approach us for the "Beast Wars" toons. They just got some lousy scabs. That's loyalty for ya. The years dragged on, and no hope was in sight. Many Transformers succumbed to rust. But hope was in sight: nearly a decade after the last cartoon aired, some genius had the bright idea to market to the billions of kids who grew up with the toys. The comic set sales records. A collective hurrah arose from parents' basements worldwide. OPTIMUS PRIME: I did it as a lark, honestly. Now they're talking about another movie. God, I hope not... The last one killed Orson Welles. I'm so tired. So tired. Things look bright for the Transformers again. Who knows what the future holds? EPILOGUE: "Don Reedman" would like everyone to know that he's available. Patrick Keller got a little out of hand. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board.