Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "More Than Meets the Eye, Part the First" Outsiders in the truest sense of the word, they came from out of nowhere, but soon found themselves the focus of unparalleled exposure. From their humble beginnings as the offshoot of a failed series of trinkets in Japan, they quickly became one of the most successfully marketed product lines in history. But that sort of fame comes with a price... IRONHIDE: The lubricant parties really got out of hand. I mean, Starscream would snort whole cases of WD-40 and lock himself in the garage for days. But nothing lasts forever, and faced with cancellation and growing consumer apathy towards new products, the Transformers went their separate ways. Years passed, and while some found individual success... ULTRA MAGNUS: My gig as TruckZilla at demolition derbies and state fairs was pretty sweet until I threw a rod back in '94. Then nobody wanted anything to do with me, but I still had a pretty fat nest egg. While others hit rock bottom: HOT ROD: I sold the Matrix of Leadership at a pawnshop to feed my habit, man! Do you understand what I'm saying, man? The MATRIX of ****IN' LEADERSHIP! Can everyone's favorite Robots in Disguise find their way back from the brink? Find out, tonight on... In the early 1980s, toy robots were all the rage. Looking to cash in, executives at struggling toy manufacturer Hasbro turned to Japan. Hasbro chose to license the Microman line, even though the toys had already been marketed stateside as "Micronauts." Former Hasbro executive Ray Tarkinson remembers: RAY TARKINSON: There's one thing I learned in my 40 years marketing toys: kids are retarded. Once the toys had been acquired, however, the real work began. Finding robots that matched the pre-existing molds proved to be a nearly insurmountable challenge. Finding ones with acting experience proved almost impossible. After months of open casting calls, the producers stumbled on an all-robot theater troupe from Ontario. SIDESWIPE: We were producing Richard III in iambic binary, and about to embark on a mechanical version of Ionesco's Exit the King when our agent told us about an offer from some Hollywood fellow. Frankly, I couldn't be bothered, but when the others deserted, I had no choice, really. It was either that, or back to playing non-speaking "vehicle" parts in Boise dinner theater productions of Grease. The Ontario company provided the show with 85 per cent of its actors, and open casting calls filled in the rest. There were some concessions. Some robot actors were hired even though they only bore passing resemblance to their toy counterparts. IRONHIDE: Well, for one thing, I actually had a head, unlike certain toys I could mention. Back before I took my anger management courses, I used to get really ticked at little turds at conventions who swore up and down that I couldn't be the "real Ironhide" just 'cos I had a noggin. Production began in earnest in late 1983 and continued all the way up until the premiere in September of the next year. It proved to be a difficult production all around. Many 'bots had never worked on a cartoon before, and were unfamiliar with the rigors of animation. The original Megatron had to be replaced at considerable expense when audience tests revealed that a can opener really fails to strike fear into the heart of children older than four. Once production wrapped on the original 14 episodes, however, most returned to their previous jobs, unaware of the success looming on the horizon. OPTIMUS PRIME: I first suspected something was up when little kids would stop me on the street, which, frankly, is incredibly dumb if you happen to be a 10-ton semi. Occasionally, they would even stop my brother Ron and ask him for my autograph, but Ron rarely stopped for those poor stupid kids. Never knew what hit 'em... The cartoon a massive success, Hasbro rushed the 'bots back into the studio to produce two additional episodes to round out the season. The Transformers were instant celebrities, but some proved more popular than others. STARSCREAM: We Decepticons got the shaft, I tell you. The producers of the cartoon totally skewed the show against us. I always maintained that the Decepticons weren't really evil, they were just portrayed that way. It's all propaganda, I tell you. Besides, I was just an actor, but people got me confused with my part. As a result, the "good" Autobots got invited to parties more often than the "evil" Decepticons. A rift developed between the two groups, and as the second season began, the two sets of actors intermingled less and less. BUMBLEBEE: Well, come on... I remember more than once that Megatron had a little too much ethanol and started terrorizing women while he was in gun mode. I think he had mother issues. The second season proved to be grueling. Nearly 50 new episodes were produced in the same span of time as the original 16 episodes. This led to a noticeable decline in quality of both the animation and the scripts, which were becoming little more than excuses to introduce more toys. One episode introduced robots who transformed into... slightly different robots. Midway through the season, Optimus Prime began to express doubts about the show to the producers, fearing that they were beginning to repeat themselves. Even worse, Starscream's rampant ethanolism was beginning to affect his performance. STARSCREAM: Sure, I was out of control. I had a problem with ethanol. I even dabbled in leaded for a while. I was just so tired of hiding my true self to all the other robots, pretending to be so... robotic. I used the gas as a way to compensate for having to hide my humanisexualism. IRONSIDE: Starscream? Aberrant sexuality? Like it was a big shock... BUMBLEBEE: People tend to forget that machines and people having sex used to be a big taboo. But these days? Hell, Rosie O'Donnell "came out of the garage" with her mechanical lover and it barely elicits a yawn in People. Other performers managed to keep up their hectic schedules and still have their run of Hollywood. Mirage was renowned for his ability to disappear the moment his scenes were finished and reappear at the nearest "mech bar" in record time. Sunstreaker dated Madonna's BMW. A Chevy dealer sued Wheeljack for allegedly doing unspeakable things to his fleet of 1985 Monte Carlos. WHEELJACK: I had a fetish. Episode wrap parties became the stuff of legend. JAZZ: Oh yeah. I remember one party where someone spiked the keg with a fuel additive and I woke up three days later in some sort of freaky robotic daisy chain. I don't think Optimus looked me in the eye after that. Hasbro, however, seeing sales numbers unparalleled in their history, were more than willing to turn a blind eye to such excesses. However, the unmistakable star of the show, Optimus Prime, had made it no secret that he was unhappy with the limitations the schedule put on his ability to do outside projects. Originally lined up for the lead truck in the Stephen King film Maximum Overdrive, he was forced to drop out to do reshoots on the Transformers cartoon. Producers began planning for his exit from the series... NEXT, on BEHIND THE 'TOON: Transformers: The Movie is released, and theaters around the country report record numbers of vomiting and spontaneous bleeding from the eyes at screenings. And then... the unthinkable happens as the show is cancelled, and the 'bots are forced to find other work. But is salvation on the horizon? No, sorry, that's just the smog. Coming this Friday! Exclusively on Behind the 'Toon! Patrick Keller is still in his original packaging. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board.