Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "RUMORAMA!" It's rumor time here at Fightin' Words, and do you know what that means, kids? Do you? Well?! Damn. Neither do we. Most of the rumors out there these days seem to revolve around Marvel, as, apparently, no one else is publishing comics. What we have attempted to do here is collect all the gossip, buzz and innuendo that is currently circulating and publish it here under one roof for the first time. All these items are to be treated as rumor and may have little or no factual content, except for the ones that Bill Jemas told us personally in a dream. Our lead story: Recently, Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada made a few statements concerning increasing the frequency of certain fan-favorite titles to as much as 24 issues a year. What he hasn't mentioned is that the real plans may go much, much further. A memo made its way into our hands that has a number of interesting implications: Our recent War Machine limited series has been a modest triumph, and as such, we are contemplating further ways to manipulate the traditional formula. A monthly comic has 32 pages and costs about 2 bucks. War Machine proved that the market could sustain a 16-page comic on a weekly schedule at about a buck and a quarter a pop. [...] This has led us to a natural conclusion: what if Marvel was to provide, for the very first time, a two-page daily comic for 18 cents? People buy newspapers every day, why not comics? I might go further out on a limb here and ask why not provide BI-DAILY one-page comics at nine cents each? Just imagine buying a comic for the kind of money that most people wouldn't stop to pick up off the street! Conceivably, this could drive further traffic to comic shops, but such a dramatic reimagining of the comics concept would likely require a change just as revolutionary in distribution methods. [...] Piggybacking on the mentioned newspaper idea, Marvel could establish a network of street corner boxes and doorstep distribution to feed the public's daily comics habit. Daily comics could be distributed to convenience stores, bars, anywhere that people read, even -- and I'm just blue skying here -- at newsstands. Just imagine! Interesting, no? The tone of the memo quickly changes, however: The one hitch in such a plan is the continued trend of skyrocketing paper prices. This can be linked to aggressive Canadian policies to "encourage" publishing industries to move to their country. [...] However, this may be a front. While we cannot prove anything just yet, certain rumors suggest that Canada may be running out of trees. The rest of the document appears to be a manifesto on overthrowing the sitting Canadian government and replacing it with "a pro-Marvel regime." Quesada declined comment as he was on his way to bail out Bill Jemas at the time. In response to Marvel's recent aggressiveness with talent, DC has signed Jack Kirby to an exclusive 10-year contract. This seemed to spark a trend, as a number of famous expired artists were signed to both DC and Marvel, with a fierce bidding war erupting over Al Milgrom until it was revealed that he was not, in fact, dead. In non-deceased talent rumors, Marvel is said to be wooing Stan Lee back to the fold just in time for the Spider-Man movie, with Joe Quesada personally in daily communication with The Man. The plan is for Marvel to rehire Stan and appoint him to some sort of editorial consultant position, and then fire him. Rumors have been swirling around Oni getting a "Marvel Knights"-type deal at the House of Ideas, but those rumors are only half right. Marvel is planning on adding another imprint overseen by talent from another company, but the "alternative" comics company in question is actually DC, who apparently are desperate for the publicity. "Marvel's had this stranglehold on the comics media for too long now," said a source. "We had to find some way to piggyback on that." Speaking of Oni, the company is reportedly considering publishing a super-hero title in the near future. When asked about the rumor, Oni Editor-in-Chief Jamie Rich shot himself. George Lucas has tentatively taken steps towards releasing his films on DVD, and this year his big-budget flop Howard the Duck, based on the Marvel comic (apparently), will make it to stores. The DVD will feature plenty of extras. Interesting to comics fans are some of the featurettes: "From Comic to Screen: What Went Wrong?", "How to Spend $30 million on Special Effects and 10 Bucks on a Script," and "Walks Like a Duck, Quacks Like a Duck, Tanks at the Box Office." Another rumored extra is a commentary track featuring Lucas and Howard's creator Steve Gerber together for the first time since the movie was released, reportedly consisting of Gerber chasing Lucas around the studio and occasionally whacking him with a folding chair. Another alleged Marvel memo making the rounds attempts to clear up some of the confusion about the various comic lines, apparently to help divide up the work of various editors more clearly: The SPIDER-MAN and X-MEN lines are self-explanatory, but Marketing has asked us to be specific because they keep getting confused. The X-Men line features any book with a current or former member of the X-Men, a current or former villain of the X-Men, acquaintances of the X-Men and/or their pets. The Spider-Man line of comics features Spider-Man. The main line of comics, traditionally known as the MARVEL SUPER-HERO line basically consists of all-ages material that doesn't include Spider-Man or X-Men (see above). The MAX line of comics is like the previously mentioned lines, but with tits! And violence, too. Sometimes at the same time! The ULTIMATE line of comics is like the original Marvel Universe, but... um... not. NEWS FLASH! Rob Liefeld has apparently contracted with a studio calling itself Yashimo Enterprises out of Laos to do the artwork for his upcoming Youngblood series. However, the entire "studio" is actually made up of eight-year-old boys kept in cages and forced to draw for 21 hours each day! The real shocker is that Rob knew all along, and signed up anyway as a way to "cut costs." "America wants a cheaper comic, I'll give 'em a cheaper comic!" Liefeld said on his message boards. Okay, so we made that one up. But it wasn't about Marvel! An interesting venture being bandied about at the House of Ideas is the Personalized Comic: Fans would be allowed to write their own dialogue for a pre-existing Spider-Man or X-Men story. The concept was test marketed in Maine, and subsequently abandoned as it apparently resulted in a considerable number of stories involving Spider-Man begging the Green Goblin to give him a "Filthy Sanchez." THIS JUST IN! Former Oni Editor-in-Chief Jamie Rich has been signed to an exclusive contract at Marvel! Rich was unavailable for comment, as he's apparently still dead. Patrick Keller is rumored to be alive, but the jury is still out. The previous column is intended as loving satire, covered under a Supreme Court decision, or so we're told. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board.