Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "What Kind of Comic Fan Are You?" Though the US Census Bureau has only just released its statistical abstract for the year 2001, they have already begun work on their questionnaire for the 2010 edition. Within each census is an attempt to study certain aspects of the population, particularly those believed to be fluctuating, dwindling or in peril. As such, comic book readership is of particular interest to these plucky (and somewhat pale) number crunchers. As a special treat for our reader(s), The Fourth Rail staff has obtained a copy of the preliminary census questionnaire. Where do you fit in? 1. Sex: a) Male b) She-male c) Manly d) Man-shaped e) Man-esque f) Other ("yes please" no longer accepted) 2. Please characterize the yearly income of your primary household comic reader. a) $200,000 or greater (Republican) b) $30,000-199,999 (Middle class) c) $10,000-29,999 (Destitute) d) $9,999 or less (Unemployed dropout living at home) e) Will work for food. (Comic book editor) 3. What sub-category of comic reader best describes your primary household comic reader? a) Marvel Zombie. b) Ashamed. c) Angry and disaffected. d) Independent and angsty. e) Girly. f) Larry Young. 4. Your primary household comic reader generally buys comics... a) every Wednesday, promptly as they are unloaded off the truck. b) once a month or so. You nosy bastard. c) whenever there's a new issue of Panty Raid Commandos. d) once every student loan payment. e) what is this "buy" that you refer to? f) whenever, dude. 5. Do you sometimes cry at night, when you're alone? a) Yes. b) Yes. c) What do you mean, 'Who's asking?' You ungrateful turd. d) We're the Census Bureau. Don't screw with us! e) We could erase you, buddy. 6. Which genre would the primary household comic reader classify as their favorite? a) Detective boobies. b) Superheroic boobies. c) Sci-Fi boobies. d) Autobiographical breasts. e) Futuristic ninja chicks who crave hot alien manmeat. f) Non-boob-related fiction. g) All-purpose general boobies. 7. The primary location where your household's comic books are purchased is best described as which of the following? a) A clean, well-lit, nicely staffed and completely fictional specialty store. b) A dingy, foul-smelling, urine-soaked hole-in-the-wall. c) A neighborhood supermarket where the comics are hidden in a different, random place each week, sometimes in the meat freezer. d) The back of Guido's van, East Jersey. e) Online retailer. f) Non-bankrupt online retailer. 8. Favorite Starship Captain a) Picard b) Kirk c) Solo d) Grace Slick 9. Which of the following are you most likely to name your child? a) Logan b) Zod c) Squee d) Areala Nippula Marie e) Jim Shooter, Jr. f) Rorschach g) Arseface 10. Have you ever had one of these comic-related injuries? (Mark all that apply.) a) Papercut, hands or arms. b) Papercut, other. (major artery, internal organ, anus) c) Staple-related laceration. d) Ink overdose. e) Byrne-related brain hemorrhage. f) Shoulder strain due to massive buildup of forearm muscles. 11. Will you go out with us? a) Yes. b) Yes. 12. No fair! No write-ins! a) That's not a question. b) So? It's our questionnaire. c) We bet you have herpes anyway. 13. Which factor is most likely to influence you to purchase a comic? a) Purty pitchures. b) Whatchimacalits... you know... "words" c) Speculative collecting. d) Masturbatory potential. e) Research for your epic fanfic, "My Date With Vampirella, Parts 1-178." f) Warren Ellis holding a flamethrower to your parents' heads. 14. What is the preferred method of contraception in your household? a) Abstinence b) Cartoon Network 15. What comic are you most ashamed to buy each month? a) Cerebus: The Misogyning b) Batman: The Dark Knight Cashes In c) Early Middle Bronze Age Spawn d) Lady Death vs. Captain Lower Back Pain e) Alla 'em. Patrick Keller knows no shame, but he does know a good chiropractor. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board.