Fightin' Words by Patrick Keller "Miracleman: Frequently Unanswered Questions" Version 1081(b) January 10, 2002 Without a doubt, the history of Miracleman is one of the most complex and confusing subjects in comics today. At last, here is a handy document to answer all those pesky questions, or at least complicate them beyond all recognition. Brought to you as a public service through a grant made possible by the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, the Enron Corporation, the Republic of Cuba, the Central Intelligence Agency, the Cosa Nostra and the New Jersey Electrical Union 211. Originally compiled by Giles Naiman; Currently maintained by Dorian Jiminez (Mrs.) Copyright 1904, 1965 (renewed), 1934 (retroactive), June 4, 1974, 8:13 am (just for fun), 1991 (because we felt like it), 1994 (renewed the renewal), 2002 (Sonny Bono Memorial renewal), Tood McFourlane Reductions. All rights reserved, some lefts restricted, may not be rebroadcast without the express written of the National Football League. Sorry Tennessee. Tableaux o' Contents: [-] 01. Who is Miracleman? ..[-] 01.1. Okay, smartass, who was Marvelman? ..[-] 01.2. No, really. ..[+] 01.3. You can really be a jerk sometimes, you know that? ..[-] 01.4. Oh. Sorry. ..[-] 01.5. Sounds like you had a horrible relationship with your mum. [-] 02. When was Miracleman created? ..[-] 02.1. Marvelman. Sorry. ..[-] 02.2. Were you always this anal-retentive? [*] 03. How was Miracleman created? ..[-] 03.1. I mean after the mommy and the daddy fell in love. ..[@] 03.2. Kissing in a swimming pool? Really? [-] 04. Who are Miracleman's sidekicks? [+] 05. Who is this Miraclewoman character? ..[-] 05.1. Is "boobies" a scientific term? [-] 06. What happened to Dr. Gargunza? ..[+] 06.1. Really? With a melon? [*] 07. What does Captain Marvel have to do with all this? ..[-] 07.1. Besides that. [£] 08. Why did Marvel Comics make them change the name? ..[-] 08.1. What names did Alan Moore call Marvel at the time? ..[-] 08.2. Does he kiss his mother with that mouth? ..[-] 08.3. What are the odds of Alan Moore working for Marvel again? ..[+] 08.4. Is that even a number? You made that up. [p] 09. Who owns the rights to Miracleman now? ..[8] 09.1. What do you mean, "see attached document"? What document? ..[*] 09.2. Where can I buy an external hard drive to store 13 gigabytes of data? [-] 10. What does Neil Gaiman have against Todd McFarlane? ..[+] 10.1. Besides the obvious. [-] 11. What does KIMOTA really stand for? ..[#] 11.1. That's filthy! ..[?] 11.2. They can print that in a comic book? [*] 12. Where can I find actual answers to all these questions in the Table of Contents? ..[-] 12.1. What does "see below" mean? Legend: - Same as last version, mostly, except for some bits we changed + Different from last time, though actually the same * One of these things is not like the other [-] 01. Who's this Miracleman fella? I don't know who you're talking about. [-] 01.1. Yes you do. Maybe I don't feel like telling you. [-] 01.2. Maybe I breaka you face. "Marvelman" was created by Mick Anglo, artist and heir to a diamond fortune, after comics publisher Fawcett lost the right to publish Captain Marvel, reportedly during a binge of over-the-counter stimulants, No-Doze and cough syrup. That is, Anglo, not Fawcett, was taking the NyQuil; Fawcett was merely drunk when it lost the rights in a poker game with DC's executive management. According to those present at the time, Fawcett put up Captain Marvel with two pair, jacks high, while DC had put up the Legion of Super-Pets against a straight flush. While most would hardly consider this a fair bet, one must consider that, at the time, the Captain Marvel line of books was a shadow of its former self, with all but one book, Son of the Cousin of a Friend of Captain Marvel, in which the Big Red Cheese only appeared in framing sequences at the beginning and the end of the book, the rest of which was apparently a collection of unrelated, public-domain promotional brochures for Argentinean tourism. [*] 02. What does all this have to do with Miracleman? I'm getting to that. Relax, wouldya? L. Miller & Sons, British publisher of fine Argentinean tourism brochure reprints and the occasional comic, infuriated by the Fawcett decision, opted to create their own Captain Marvel ripo--, er... "clone," which artist Anglo dubbed Miracleman. Once the NyQuil wore off, Anglo, worried about blasphemy charges, redubbed him Marvelman, and a legend was born. Marvelman ran for six months, then for another fifteen years as reprints, cashing in on the notorious short-term memory of the British public, who never questioned why the hero seemed to celebrate Christmas twice a year. [-] 03. What does "Kimota" mean? See question 07. [*] 04. Tell me about this Alan Moore gent and his involvement with the revamp of Marvelman. Please phrase your inquiry in the form of a question. [-] 04.1. "What did Alan Moore have to do with the revamp of Marvelman?" Happy? Yes. [-] 04.2. Well? Oh. Right. In 1983, Moore was a budding sanitation engineer and part-time comic scribe when Warrior publisher Dezi Skinn-Arnaz, Jr., approached him about resurrecting Marvelman. Moore refused, on the grounds that his black magick powers were not yet to that level. When Skinn explained that he only wanted to bring back the character, not an actual person, Moore agreed. Enlisting artist Garry Leach, Moore dramatically reimagined Marvelman and his kin as a modern-day victim of elaborate brainwashing experiments on genetically engineered superhumans, eliminating the Argentinean tourism angle completely. [:)] 05. Did Skinn have the rights to do this? Well, no one was stopping him. Skinn's story varied widely through the years. By his own account, he either: a) Figured the character was in the public domain; b) Stole them at gunpoint from Mick Anglo; or c) Bought them at a flea market from a small chihuahua named Stan. In later years, under pressure from fandom and the popular press, Skinn supposedly produced the real Stan the Chihuahua, but some doubt was cast on his claim when it was discovered that the chihuahua was actually a shaved tabby named Ethel. [(tm)] 05.1. What happened to the rights then? Depending on whom you believe, the rights at that time belonged equally to: a) Moore and Leach; b) Moore, Leach and Skinn; c) More skinny leeches; d) Stan/Ethel; e) Mick Anglo's pharmacist, Guido; f) None of the above. [-] 05.2. I am so lost. Join the club. [-] 06. I know I'm going to regret this, but what then? Well, Leach was removed following a black market baby-selling scandal. "Fan-favorite" penciller Alan Davis was brought in to handle the art and infant-selling chores. If reports are to be believed, Davis inherited Leach's share of the rights to Marvelman, which was either 50 per cent or 33.333 per cent, or possibly 0 per cent. (See above.) At one point, Davis gave 10 per cent to his landlord as back rent, which means that Davis then owned either 40 per cent, 23.333 per cent or -10 per cent of the character. Moore was later forced to put up his share of the character as collateral for a bank loan, meaning that Moore owned -50 per cent, -16.667 or 0 per cent of the character, though he was later able to recover his portion, minus interest. All of which means that, between them, Moore and Davis may have actually owed everyone who bought the book $10.87. [-] 06.1. How does Eclipse Comics fit in? Reportedly, Skinn sold his portion of the Marvelman rights to Eclipse in exchange for catherine yronwode's capital letters, which he keeps in a box under his bed. Seeing as how it's entirely possible that he owned 0 per cent of the rights, he got a pretty good deal. Following that transaction, Eclipse began running the Marvelman strip in the States, under the name "Miracleman," to avoid confusion with sports announcer Marv Albert. (Moore refuses to work with Albert to this day, which isn't such a big deal, since they are in completely different fields, but has hampered Moore's dream of announcing for the Knicks.) Davis had a falling out with Moore, and sold his -10 per cent of the rights to Eclipse, meaning that Eclipse had less of the character than before, assuming that they owned any of the character in the first place. [£] 07. Would somebody please explain this "Kimota" thing? See question 07. ["] 07.1. This is question 07. No, it's not. This is question 07.1. [?] 07.2. Okay, wise guy. I meant the preceding question. No, "the preceding question" was question 07.1. Actually, it was more of a statement, but I'll let it slide for now. [*] 07.3. I give up. See question 15, you big baby. [p] 08. What happened when Moore quit Miracleman at issue 16? Moore chose public speaker, novelist and occasional comics writer Neil Gaiman as his replacement. In doing so, he gave Gaiman and/or artist Mark Buckingham the remainder of his rights, which was either 50 per cent, 33.333 per cent, 0 per cent, -50 per cent or -16.667 per cent, meaning that each man now owned 25, 16.667, 0, -25 or -8.334 per cent of the character. The series continued until issue 24, when Eclipse went bankrupt following some poor investments in poodle farming. [zzz] 09. The End, right? Right?? Nope. Todd McFarlane(tm) bought the entire stable of Eclipse characters, lock, stock and barrel in 1996 from a small Mexican girl named Lupita, who inherited the company's assets as a stocking stuffer the year before. Problem is, nobody seems to know if Eclipse ever actually owned Miracleman in the first place. [*] 10. But Todd(tm) published comics with Miracleman in them. That means he must own the character, right? Hahahahahahaha... *choke* [#] 11. Brain... hemorrhaging... can't take... anymore... Well, Vegas betting circles have begun watching this case with considerable interest. Currently, they put the odds that the character is owned by various parties at: 157:1 Mick Angelo 123:1 The Pope 85:1 Dez Skinn 15:1 Todd McFarlane(tm) 12:1 Neil Gaiman/Mark Buckingham 3:2 Stan the Chihuahua/Guido the Pharmacist 1:1 No one [-] 12. How would you like to make good money FROM HOME? I would LOVE to! Tell me more! [+] 13. Have there been any recent developments? Gaiman claims that McFarlane(tm) has given him the rights to Miracleman twice, just to prove that he's a nice guy. Of course, McFarlane(tm) may actually own -73.667 per cent of the rights, if you believe certain parties, which may indeed mean that Gaiman owes Todd(tm) money for the gift. Todd(tm), on the other hand, claims that he never gave Gaiman the rights, nor that he has ever met anyone named "Neil Gaiman," that the sky is not actually blue, but rather mauve, and that he was in his backyard hitting golf balls at the time of the alleged transfer. DNA evidence is inconclusive. Meanwhile, Todd McFarlane Productions(tm) has solicited issues of Hellspawn that feature Miracleman prominently, and announced the future publication of Miracleman, Miracleman: Unbound, Miracleman: Rebound, Miracleman: Unrebound, Miracleman Family, Miracleman & Co., Miracleman Family & Co., Miracleman: For Kids!, Ms. Miracleman, Spawn Vs. Miracleman, Miracleman Vs. Spawn, The Miracleman Guide to Natural Childbirth, Homme de Miracle, MilagroHombre, Wundermann, Dark Ages Miracleman, MiracleSam & Twitch, and The Miracle Bunch. [-] 13.1. This McFarlane(tm) guy sounds like a real dink. No comment. [*] 14. So, any chance that the old Miracleman issues will see print any time soon? No. [-] 14.1. But... No. [-] 14.1. Bu-- No. It's really better if we just all move on with our lives. It's only a bloody comic. [-] 14.2. You don't really believe that, do you? Well, there's always eBay. Plus, the whole thing started out as barely disguised copyright infringement anyway, and since DC owns the source, they could sue Moore, Skinn, Davis, Leach, Gaiman, Buckingham, yronwode, Stan, Ethel, Guido, McFarlane(tm) and anyone else involved, and probably win. Meaning that DC has probably owned the character all along. Then again, maybe they're smart and they'll stay out of it. [$] 15. What does "Kimota" stand for? If you choose to enter the lair of Dr. Gargunza, go to page 137. If you choose to return to the village, see question 03. Who does this Patrick Keller guy think he is anyway? You got us. This column is meant as parody, as protected by Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). Any similarities to any situations or persons, living or dead, are strictly coincidental. Email Patrick Keller comments about this column, or discuss it on the Fourth Rail message board.